Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Of Diapers and Derring-Do

It came to my attention recently, thanks to CNN, that women rob banks.

You may have heard this already. Last August, the Globe ran a similar piece of journalism entitled "Bonnie Without Clyde," a great whacking Sunday magazine monster of a story. Having given birth to a baby on Saturday afternoon, I was still too enfeebled to work up enough rage to throw it across the room. It's very kind of this story to come around again and give me another shot.

I am never quite sure what to make of Women Do Crime stories. They're so disarmingly cheerful. The prospect of women running around in ski masks terrorizing the populace is rarely presented as all that terrifying. You get the sense that the reporter is secretly rooting for them.

""Here's a crime that you can commit easily and its an equal opportunity crime," crime historian Robert McCrie said. Banks have become so customer-friendly and open, they've become "a safe place to rob," he added."

The best part of the story, aside from the always-helpful "Story Highlights," is the experts they dredged up to shed light on why women (the caring gender, remember) would want to rob nasty old banks. Forensic sociologist (!) Rosemary Erickson opines:

""Women are more pragmatic," forensic sociologist Rosemary Erikson agreed. "They need diapers for the baby that kind of thing.""

As I was reading this, my eyes suddenly rolled back into my head and I had a flashback to my last brush with crime about a year ago. I was at the CVS in Lower Mills, whalishly pregnant, perusing the shampoo aisle, when suddenly there was a commotion in Baby Care. A CVS serf in a red vest was having some sort of altercation with a fat man clutching a package of Pampers. Busted!

Shoplifting an item the size of an ottoman is no mean feat, especially after you're caught doing it, but fat man was undeterred. Finding himself cornered, he began uttering vague threats and clawing suggestively at the waistband of his sweatpants. A gun, however imaginary, was clearly out of CVS guy's pay grade. He backed off, and the Scarlet Pampernel escaped into the night with his absorbent booty.

The lesson here is that you should never rob banks to buy diapers. Bank robbers get caught. Pampers robbers get Pampers. Time to smarten up, ladies.

Thanks to Dave for the heads-up.


  1. "The Scarlet Pampernel" clinches it: you are officially awesome.

  2. Does this mean that I can now finally go on a multi-state murdering/pillaging spree, and it'll be totally adorable because I have ovaries? I've waited many years for this day...

  3. "The Scarlet Pampernel"

    I bow in your general direction.

  4. Omg, Jenna, I will totes grab the money if you'll drive the getaway car. Can we like, wear wigs and stuff?

    BTW, I just woke up the bf with my LOLing over your Pampers story. So awesome.