Gettysluts!

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Sexting. It's rampaging throughout the land. It's burning up the pages of your local newspaper. And it's exacting a terrible, terrible price from our young people.

I'm talking, of course, about Getty models. Sloe-eyed and mild, they gaze at us from the pages of our great nation's newspapers, shining like vacant beacons of sluttery for all mankind. Who are they? NO ONE KNOWS.

There are all kinds of good reasons why newspapers use Gettysluts instead of running actual teen sexting pix in the newspaper. For one thing, it's a family newspaper. (Never mind that nobody under 60 actually reads it.) For another thing, it's like running a giant ad that says SUE US, PLEASE. And for a third, the last sexpic anybody ever personally sent your average newspaper editor was probably a vaguely dirty playing card in 1973.

And so it continues: the wretched trade in human flesh and dreams. Skanks, sexters, MySpace addicts, cutters--for every species of wayward teen there is a Gettyslut. Who are these nameless harlots? Are they lured to pose for us with promises of puppies and Snickers bars? Are they destined for a life of shame? Are they all really 27-year-old waitresses with SAG cards and nose jobs?


Their faces are blurred with shame, but their knees are suspiciously well-defined. (momlogic.com/Getty)




What a ho. (InjuryBoard.com/iStockphoto)



Oh God! It's a sext! Someone call her parents. (Charleston Post and Courier)




What body part is depicted here? Does it belong to a squid? There's no shame in that. (Salon)




Sexting: It's not just for 27-year-olds in acid-wash overalls anymore. (Slate)



Here we see that peculiar shade of blue that signifies high-tech, mental rot, and young libidos gone astray. (CBS/iStockphoto)




I thought about omitting this one for decency's sake, but you should know what your children are up to. (Considering Homeschooling)

FYI, here's a sample Getty model contract. (PDF alert!)